What Type of Goth Are You?
There are so many types of Goths. They come in all colors and sizes. Okay, that's a lie, they're usually in black but they do come in disguises.
Are you a sullen and spooky romantic-Goth escaped from a period piece? With a flowing black frock and velvet cape and Fruit of the Loom underneath?
Or are you an ether-Goth slumped in a corner writing bad poems all night? Do you listen to cello and all things mellow while writing your drivelly shite?
Or are you the dreaded vampire-Goth complete with fake fangs and a cane? You say you suck blood when you really just suck, and you work for the Cinnabon chain.
Or perhaps you're what I call a pirate. From a glass of red wine you sip. You look like a gay Captain Morgan; is that bus to New Jersey your "ship"?
You claim you're an old school nostalgia-Goth and the guys in Bauhaus were your maties. Don't give me that crap you snot nosed brat; you were in diapers all through the eighties.
And then there's the perennial MTV Goth. You adore Marilyn Manson. As soon as your friends think he's no longer cool, you'll go back to worshipping Hanson.
Oh please don't say you're a Net-Goth. You're firstname.lastname@example.org? Your four thousand friends think you're gorgeous and slim. Like more pounds, you're just putting them on.
Of course there's the hybrid "Graver". When I see one I'm always amused. With your glow sticks and fangs from Hot Topic, you look more than just slightly confused.
Newbie Goths give me a chuckle. They're always "More Gothic than thou!". Last week you were all into Britney Spears and you're Miss Transylvania now?
Role playing Goths are hysterical. Your imaginary "powers" absurd. Your K-Mart cape hides a pocket protector, you make believe Dracula nerd.
What kind of Goth are you anyway? Have you tried plundering France? The original Goths were barbarians, and they never wore black vinyl pants.